An update

It's been a LONG time since I last checked in, I apologize. I am attempting to put the last year or so into words, it's taking some time and much thought. I want to give our last year justice, I really want to share what we have experienced with as much thought and feeling as I can muster, I want to remember... I need to remember. I need to remember and learn from our last year. I am working on really loving and appreciating everything that we have experienced. Anyway, update.


The time leading up to the MRI was stressful and confusing. A sweet friend gave me a book called, "Jesus Calling," when we found out about Belle's tumor. I still read it. Here is a snippet from the entry on June 18.

"You are My beloved child. I chose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment."

A snippet from June 19.

"Let me prepare you for the day that awaits you and point you in the right direction. I am with you continually, so don't be intimidated by fear. Though it stalks you, it cannot harm you, as long as you cling to My hand. keep your eyes on Me, enjoying Peace in My Presence."

A snippet from a page that presented itself when I picked the book up from my nightstand on the day of Belle's MRI. This is part of an entry from June 27.

"Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focuse your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey."

Trying to remember that God is, and has been, my Constant Companion through this journey is bringing me much strength. Sometimes my fears get the best of me and I forget but then I remember and I experience peace.

We had Belle's post treatment MRI on June 18, exactly one year from when she was diagnosed. The MRI went mostly well. If you didn't know, Belle can be quite stubborn and determined, especially when sleep is involved, even drug induced sleep. Because of this special character trait, the nurse had to give her a lot of sedation which caused Belle to stop breathing for 45 seconds. I think she actually stopped breathing a couple of times, I was in the room, I watched her turn a sort of blue, purple color. It was horrible. I lost my cool. I cried. I threw my hands up and thought, "Seriously! After everything we've been through, I'm going to lose her now? At what was supposed to be the easy part?" And then she took a deep breath, the nurse put the oxygen mask on Belle's sweet face and and I watched her numbers steadily climb. The nurse put her hand on my back and told me that Belle was okay now, that she would be watching Belle's numbers during the entire MRI, that she wouldn't take her eyes off of the monitor. After that fiasco, I went to the cafeteria and got a latte, pepperoni pizza and chicken tenders. I'm a stress eater. The nurse called me after 30 minutes and told me that Belle was awake and that the MRI went well. Insert deep breath here. On our way back to the waiting area, we ran into Dr. Lemole! I believe that God's hand was in this unexpected meeting. I told Dr. Lemole that Belle had just had her MRI and he told me to go upstairs and make an appointment for us to see him the following day. Normally, we would have seen him immediately following the MRI but there were some issues with the hospital. I kept asking different people if we should be seeing Dr. Lemole and
they all told me that somebody would call me with the results of the MRI. It didn't seem right to me,
Belle has a special case, I wanted to hear from her doctors, not some random radiologist who doesn't know her case. See how God worked that one out? UMC is a big hospial! It's kind of hard to run into important people. There have been a few times when I have unexpectedly run into the specific doctor that we needed to see after much frustration dealing with the middle-men. God is watching out for us. Running into Dr. Lemole was a God send.


The next day we went to our appointment and Dr. Lemole gave us great news. The small piece of tumor that will stay in Belle's head like a scar is decreasing in size, the radiation is working! Praise God! He asked about her hormones and behavior and was very pleased with our report. Belle is growing, she's taller than she was in April, her weight is steady, and she is showing signs of puberty! These were all big concerns following radiation treatment. Again, praise God!

So far this summer we have visited Colorado and I am currently writing this post from a cabin in Pinetop. We will be visiting Hawaii shortly for Matt's Dad's wedding AND Make-A-Wish granted Belle's wish to go on a Disney cruise which will be happening sometime in the Fall! Fun! We are making up for vacations lost last summer. :) Belle has been swimming like crazy, it is so refreshing to see her splashing around in the pool, it's one of her favorite things to do. She has been playful and smiley and so very stubborn at times (which I secretly love because that means she's feeling well and at least she is here with me). Praises!

Kierra is also doing well. So sweet and kind and loving. She graduated from kindergarten with flying colors. She's a beautiful child, such a blessing.

Matt and I are doing mostly well. I think we are still trying to sort through emotions and thoughts from the past year, it's all been so dizzying. It would be nice if we could be more resilient like the girls, they really are amazing.

So, that's the update. I am uncertain of what the future holds but I know God will walk by our side and, if we need it, carry us though.

Happy Snow Day.

I have always dreamed of waking up to snow covering the desert, hearing my girls squeal with delight as the feasted theirs eyes on the frosty desert. I am 29 years old and I have never, ever witnessed this, until today.

I have been having a rough time the past couple of months. I will spare you the details but will say this, depression and anxiety are nasty creatures to battle. I know it will pass but sometimes that's hard to remember. I pray, maybe not as often or as hard as I should, but I pray, and God answers prayers.

Last night I was sitting on our couch, looking at the weather advisory for Tucson. Snow? Blizzard? Sure. Maybe up in the mountains but not down here where the people live. That just doesn't happen here. I said a small quiet prayer. It went a little like this:

God, I need a sign. I need to know you're here with me, that I'm not alone. Maybe you could let it snow all night so I can wake up to snow? Maybe? I now you're busy doing so many other things and this is a very trivial request but if you feel up to it that would be awesome. If you can't, that's cool, I completely understand.

I love God with my whole heart. I love that He accepts me for who I am. I love that He doesn't need me to be at my best in order the hear me and that I can talk to him freely. He loves me when I am completely weak and overcome. 

So, I said my prayer, went to bed and woke up to a cloudy sky but no snow. Hey, that's okay, I did wake up after all and we are all mostly healthy and happy. So I took Kierra to school and went on with my day. We all went to Kierra's rodeo show at school and in the drive over it started to snow. How fun! The snow fell for a couple of hours, it was delightful. As soon as the snow stopped falling the snow started to melt, that's how the desert works. The skies were also showing signs of clearing up. It was a fun little winter storm. At about 3pm I felt so tired that I just had to take a nap so I laid down and fell asleep. About an hour later I woke up to squeals. 

"Mom! Mom! Wake up! You have to see this!"

I groggily rolled out of bed and was ushered into our living room and brought to the window where I feasted my eyes on a frosty desert. The desert, my desert, was completely covered in snow. Not only that, snow was still falling, not little snow, but giant snowflakes, falling to the earth in quiet beauty. At that moment I heard a small voice that said, "You woke up to snow." And at that moment I knew, regardless of what might happen in the future, God is with me and that everything is going to be okay.